Someday, maybe this year, maybe sometime years from now, I will no longer be a cop. There are many things I will miss about police work when it is over, to be sure. Sometimes you actually get to do some good. Today, however, I had a day chock full of things that I will not miss. These things generally happen with semiregular frequency. Some of these things might seem a little strange or unbelievable to you, casual reader, but cops don't even bother telling these stories to each other, because they are old hat, boring, and not really novel after you have been on the job for a few years.
Some Personal Favorites
"There's a possum in my attic!" I have this fantasy where I roll up, get out and walk in the complainant's house, pull out my pistol and shoot the [insert wildlife name here], walk out, get back in my car, and drive away without saying a word.
"Hey officer, can you give me a ride?" This is usually asked by a guy with his girlfriend in tow downtown at around 2 a.m. after barhopping on foot all night. They have usually walked so far that they don't want to walk back to their car. OR, some drunk's ride has left him and rather than saving that last 10 bucks for a cab, he decides to drink it up and then flag down a cop. I usually point to the sticker on the side of my car and ask him if he sees the word "TAXI" in there anywhere. This usually leads to him saying......
"I pay your salary!" Yeah? Well you pay astronaut's salaries too, buddy, but they aren't going to let you bogart a ride to the ISS on the shuttle. One time, I told a drunk at a party, "So YOU'RE the guy! I can't wait to tell the rest of the cops, you've got one heck of a beating coming if we don't get a raise like next week!"
"If you didn't have that badge on, I would kick your a**!" I just love this one. It is usually a little bitty skinny guy with a mullet and zits on his face who says it.
"I stepped in a manhole." I actually got this one today. This lady was walking along Calhoun Street, and apparently stepped on an unseated manhole cover. It wobbled on her, but did not fall over and she was unhurt. She continued on about her business, went shopping, and then returned home about four hours later. THEN she called the police. She wanted to tell us that we were not doing a very good job keeping the city safe (I guess by not checking manhole covers) and that she wanted to let us know that we needed to go check the cover now, because somebody could get hurt. I wanted to tell her I would check it in about four hours.
"My daughter/son is refusing to go to school." This is usually an eight year old we are talking about here, folks. I doubt Mom would have ever called the police for this one, just a hunch. An ambulance, maybe, but not the cops.
"You're just trying to make your quota." Yep. Five more like you and I get the toaster oven.
No comments:
Post a Comment